I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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