The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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