I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
