then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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