I am in a vortex of obligation.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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