She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think your dad took our porno
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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