Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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