Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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