I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
