i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
