burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
