just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
