I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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