He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
