wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
