I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
