Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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