You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
