So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
