Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
