So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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