I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
