Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
