I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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