He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
