Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
