Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
