God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
