I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
