GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
