I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
