I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
