You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
