My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
