So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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