margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
