I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
