I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
