Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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