Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
