my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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