you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Randomize
