if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
