I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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