a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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