Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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