It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
