He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
