Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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