did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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