dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
