who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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