i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
